To my son, Tim

ACCEPTING THE UNACCEPTABLE

It is so true, God does speak to us through different people and He was speaking last night.
Here I am struggling with acceptance, and at my home group last night that was the topic. And this is what I learned ACCEPT THE UNACCEPTABLE. What a great concept, why didn't think of that? Instead of focusing on the unacceptable I can focus on accepting the unacceptable. The burden has been lifted, I don't have to change everything and everyone around me I have to change me. This I can do, but only with God's help.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen

Growing in Recovery

In some ways I’ve been progressing, in other ways I’ve been standing still. I’m approaching my one year anniversary (August 1, 2008) and just like in the beginning God is still teaching me every day, the scenery is just a little different now. I’m still in the Oxford House and slowly learning tolerance, trust, acceptance and patience. One of my goals when I moved in here was to learn to trust and develop healthy relationships with other women. In one way it’s been easy because they are alcoholics and addicts and understand my way of thinking, good or bad, and some of the issues I deal with. And in other ways it’s been hard because they are . . . addicts and alcoholics. Each one of us progresses at a different pace. Some never get it and end up relapsing and some are slower than others. I’ve taken my recovery very seriously and I’m constantly trying to do the next “right thing.” I so much want to share what I have learned and what God has done for me but I can’t push it on others and that is where patience comes in to play. I need to learn tolerance to be able to keep my mouth shut and let everyone grow at their own paces and know that I can’t be where others are either, I have to go at my own pace. I need to accept that we are all at different stages of our recovery. Just because we live together does not mean our progress is the same. We come from many different backgrounds, are behaviors in our addiction were different but we are all women trying to make things right and become a better person. We cry, we laugh and we hurt as we try to share that pain that is so deep within us. To share that pain takes trust so we tread softly and slowly trying to lessen the pain little by little. It’s a great feeling when I share with someone and feel the pain lessen and know that some of their pain may have also lessened. To trust someone with my feelings is truly a great feeling, I know I’m making progress. The guilt and shame of our addiction weigh us down so much but like we say in this house “we don’t have to live like that anymore.” And for that I praise God!

Lifes been good to me.................so far!

The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait
for Him and seek Him.
Lamentation 3:25
The Life Recovery Bible

I haven't had as much of the quiet time I use to have, so I really don't get time to write as much as I use to. So I am going to try and stay with it now.
First off, God is making my head spin with all His blessings. And I'm getting better about always waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know that even if it does God will help me handle what ever comes my way.

Living in the Oxford house has gotten a lot better. But before it got better I was starting to get angry and build some resentments toward the women I live with. That was the old me I would then retreat to my "happy place" with my bottle. Thats how I handled any emotion I felt.I knew I had to deal with this differently. I prayed about it and turned it over to God. He spoke to me that night. He told me I needed to reach out, take that step that has always been so hard for me, reaching out to other women. I went that very night to a women's meeting I had been wanting to go to but had been putting off. It was a great meeting. All the women were very supportive and honest. I didn't have anything to be afraid of, we had all been to the same places, ugly as they were. I found a sponsor that night, her sponsor also attends that meeting. So I made that my home group and I got my 6 month chip there on Wednesday. Yes, I have 6 months of sobriety. I have never been sober this long. Only by the grace of God!

I have been volunteering at Habitat for Humanity. I work 4 hours a day in their office. I really love it and the people have been really nice to me. I started to worry because my unemployment runs out in March and I hadn't found a job yet. And there again I caught myself and thought God will see me through this. He has a plan. I sent out 3 resumes, had 3 interviews, and got hired on the spot at my third interview. I start my new job on Monday. They are paying me what I asked for and I have full benefits.

This feeling of fully surrendering to God and turning my life and will over to Him gives me so much peace and hope. It's a wonderful feeling. I want to help others in recovery find God as their "Higher Power" so they too can develop a close personal relationship with Him and feel the way I do which is "happy, joyous and free".

The Lord is my light and my salvation,
the Lord is the strength of my life.
Psalm 27:1

Life in an Oxford House

Living in an Oxford House has been a little trying to say the least. I saw getting in here as a blessing and I still do, but all my skills of trying to “live life on life’s terms” are being tested. Living with other people in recovery, especially women can be difficult. Everyone is at a different point in there recovery, even if someone has more sober time does not necessarily mean they have matured and grown in their sobriety. I guess my expectations were a little high when I moved in here; I expected a supportive environment, everyone supporting each other as we try to start a new life. NOT! Women are caddy, jealous, and backstabbing. But I’m not going to let that set me back. I keep looking to God to guide me so I don’t veer off His path for me. I got a sponsor, and found a great women’s meeting. The women there are supportive, helpful and sincere and I know God led me there. I found it on a day when things weren’t going well at the house and I was afraid I was going to have to find someplace else to live. But I settled down, looked to God and He brought me through it. It’s so amazing how I can spiral downward so quickly when I take my eyes off of God. But those 2 months I spent prior to moving in here will never be forgotten. God spoke to me and made me realize how much I need His direction and how when I take my eyes off of Him even for a short time things can and will go bad very fast. My recovery and my life depend on staying focused on God at all times. I’m not perfect, but as they say in AA “progression not perfection”.

Merry Christmas

A Savior is born this day
which is Christ the Lord!

Home Sweet Home

Long time since last post. I moved into an Oxford House, which is a house shared with other recovering women. I really like it here. There are 8 women in the house, all in recovery. We are all in different stages of our recovery, but we are all still one drug or one drink away from going back to where we just fought to get out of. We have some rules here but basically we come and go as we please. We are required to work or do volunteer work, attend one meeting a week and stay sober. It's works well for me because it doesn't allow me to isolate. When a person isolates they tend to get in their head too much and do way too much thinking and our best thinking got most of us where we are or were. I am very happy here. I plan on looking for a job after the new year if I don't find anything right away I am going to try and volunteer at the YMCA. My recovery is going well, God blesses me everyday. He continues to take the desire and obsession to drink away and for that I am grateful. As hard as the holiday season can be for a lot of people I feel extremely grateful, I'm sober, my kids are talking to me, I was able to get them gifts and they get to be with each other for the holidays. All is right with the world, only by the grace of God!

What an Ordeal!!!!!!!!

I'm still busy sifting through the ruins trying to put my life back together. One thing on the list is getting my driver's license renewed. I started this project last March when my out of state license expired on my birthday. I went to the PA DMV to turn in my out of state license and get a PA one, but it seems you have to have a birth certificate to do this, I didn't know and also didn't have mine. So I sent off to Ohio, where I was born. There isn't any fast way to get it you have to request it in writing and pay $16.50. I, like an idiot, put down my original birth name not realizing that record no longer existed because I was adopted by my stepfather. So 2 months later they return my money and tell me they can't find it. Great, meanwhile my license is expired. Like any good alcoholic this is about the time I'm pretty well into my relapse and getting irresponsible so I never sent back to get my birth certificate. As mentioned in a previous post I did finally get it a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm ready to get my license, so I think. It must be like the hardware store thing, it takes at least 5 trips to finally get the job done. Friday, day after Thanksgiving I thought would be a good day, I drive all the way there, they are closed. So I went back Saturday thinking I had all my ducks in a row, oh but no, I have to start over like a 16 year old. I have to get a learner's permit which requires a physical. Not having any health insurance that's not good, but I did just have one in Sept. so my Dr. signed the form like a good boy. But that took 2 trips to my Dr.'s office which is 1 hour away. All time remembering "driving is a privilege, not a right". But the beauty of all this is I am dealing with all these little set backs better than I ever would have before, always remembering that God is with me and in total control. It really puts a whole different light on the situations, I see it as making me stronger and learning how to live life on life's terms, which is a big hurdle for the alcoholic. We can be very self-centered and tend to "want what we want and want it now". Praise be to God!

Favorite Christian Songs

The Beauty of Simplicity

Blessed Be Your Name

You Are Holy

Lifesong

A Rekindled Romance

I rekindled an old romance today.................with my ATM card. I felt like I joined the human race. I paid bills, had my phone turned back on, filled my car with gas, did my laundry, paid back people who were kind enough to help me out and I went to Walmart. I only got the necessities but it was quite the feeling to "slide my card" and get "authorized". It was like some kind of validation, yes, you are back and we welcome you with open arms. I haven't been out amongst the living for awhile so it was quite fun, I'll be bitching about it next week. I even felt a little Christmas spirit hearing the music in Walmart. I just pray for everyone who doesn't already have it, that they may receive the greatest gift of all, Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
The holidays are a difficult time for a recovering alcoholic. Alcohol is everywhere. We have usually destroyed any family relationships so it can also be a lonely time, which starts the cycle, depression-drinking-more depression-more drinking. I won't be alone this holiday season and for that I am grateful. I pray everyday for God to take away the desire and obsession to drink. I plan on entering the new year sober, first in a long time.

Where will I be led?

I won my appeal!!! moneys not in the bank yet but should be soon. This is what God has been preparing me for, it's like when you send your kid off to kindergarten you have taught them manners and shown them how to be polite everything you think they need to know before venturing off to school but will they remember any of it? I'm excited but scared at the same time. God has kept me in this safe little cocoon, giving me time to really understand what it means to totally rely on Him for everything. It's so easy to take our will back after we turn it over to Him and that's what has always been my downfall, thinking I knew what was best for me. Well God has taught me a pretty powerful lesson recently, even my best thinking without Him left me sitting in a pile of ruins which once was my life. But He brought me through it. That's the beauty of having a forgiving and merciful Father. He held my hand, sometimes He had to carry me, these last 2 months because I didn't think I could get through another day. He gave me patience and strength I never knew I had. Sometimes I thought He had forgotten about me, sometimes I even got angry at Him but He never left me. So now I start my new life, I have to remember to be a good listener. I'm starting to feel myself come back to life, it feels really good, I thought I lost myself.

Theres no place like................no place.

I just want to click my heels together and say " I'm ready now", I'm ready now", "I'm ready now", ready now for God to let me move on. But I must not be in His eyes. It's amazing how I can't even get angry, that is definitely a God thing and/or medication, lol. With the weekend here that's 2 more days of nothing happening in my situation. I have 8 pennies, mmmmmmmmmm , sad isn't it. I haven't lost my faith, but it waivers at times. I have to believe God is working in my life now, I want to believe He is. I really should be making a list of all that I do have to be grateful for. He is making my consequences so unforgettable I will never ever want to drink again. He is making me appreciate life, just life.
Tammy if you get to read this I hope you are learning as much as I am. We're in this together, one day at a time.

I am grateful today because:

1. I have a loving and forgiving God in my life.
2. I have a warm place to stay.
3. I have food to eat, not much but it's keeping me alive.
4. I have 2 healthy, well-adjusted adult children.
5. I have a career I can get back into.I'
6. I have the freedom to go where ever I want to and do what ever I want to do.
7. I have a car.
8. I am healthy.
9. I am sober.
10. My life can and will get back on track.

The Light

The Light

There was a woman, her face streaked with tears.
Crying over her life, and all the lost years.
The crutch she had clung to was letting her down.
It no longer held her, she started to drown.
The bottle beside her, the drugs in her veins, laughing, mocking, driving her insane.
The darkness closed in as she vowed once again, "This powerfull obsession I will overcome!"
Then sighed in defeat, 'cause temptation always won.
What could she do, where could she go?
Was there still hope?
She didn't think so.
On her knees she fell in despair.
Then quietly said this humble prayer;

"God, I can't do this on my own. I've tried and tried but my strength is gone.
Addiction has me bound in chains,
no longer can I stand this pain.
I'd rather die than spend one more day, drinking and drugging,
with the price I pay.
So if you're listening,
my plea you hear.
Please give me a sign, one that's clear."

In the darkness, a pinpoint of light.
Her eyes tried to focus as it grew so bright.
Through this light a hand appeared.
And a heavenly voice said,

"Child, I am here!
For this cry of help I've had to wait.
I'd started to fear it'd be too late.
This road you've been taking, I don't condone.
But, through my blood, you've been atoned.
So turn your back, walk away from this sin.
A new path of hope, you'll follow then.
For I'll put people in your life each day, to help you, guide you, down this narrow way.
But, in this journey you must do your part.
And, from my grace, do not depart.
You must stand in faith and face your fears.
Child, know in your heart,
I'm always near."

Then softly his hand
wiped away all her tears.

I Want Out!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't added anything for awhile because quite frankly, there's nothing to add. Nothing has changed. I just lose more of myself each day. It's really hard to have faith when NOTHING CHANGES. What does He want me to do? Why is He doing this to me? How much longer does He think I can last? I can't even get angry because I just don't have the energy. I tried to give plasma about 6 weeks ago, but I didn't have the proper I.D. My driver's license is expired and I didn't have my birth certificate to get a new one. So when my sister sent me some money a few weeks ago I sent for my birth certificate thinking I would at least be able to give plasma and get a few extra bucks. So yesterday I asked God please just give me a glimmer, just a glimmer to let me know your still here, still working in my life and lo and behold my birth certificate comes in the mail. So my friend I'm staying with gives me 5 bucks for gas to get to the plasma place. I get there at 8:45, 8 people already waiting, find out they don't open until 10 am. So I stand outside freezing for over an hour, finally they let us in, the line has grown considerably since I got there. My first time so I got called pretty quickly. Yeah! I have proper I.D. Next step see Doc, find out I can't donate because of meds I'm on, nothing real serious, antidepressant, very low dose blood pressure med, my blood pressure is borderline high. So out the door in less than half an hour. So much for that glimmer! Just let me die already! It's insane that unemployment can take their time like this. When someone files they are obviously out of work have no income and they dink around playing with you life like this. How dare they. I had a good job, in the medical field, been doing it for 19 years. The sooner I get my unemployment (back pay) I can get my phone on, get car insurance, get driver's license so I can look for a freakin job!!!!!!!! How do you send a resume without phone number? Believe my resume would just go to the bottom of the pile. Faith? I just don't know anymore. I'm so tired of being cold and hungry. I'm not even me anymore, I don't know who I am. Everyday it's just breath in, breath out................

Suspended Animation

I am trying so hard to hang in there, but it's really getting tough. My whole life right now is like a bad dream and it just continues. My faith is not wavering but I am getting very beaten down. The friend that I'm staying with is too cheap to turn his heat on and it's been in the upper 20's low 30's at night hanging in the 40's during the day. Now I know I have no right to complain, I'm lucky I have a place to stay at all so don't get me wrong I am grateful just freezing my butt off. Last night he heated up a brick in his toaster oven for me so I could warm up a little, that was nice. Ever sat on a block of ice to pee? God has definitely stripped away every single little thing I have ever taken for granted. I've lost 17 lbs. in 2 months just from not having enough food, now I am starting to worry about my health. God really wants to make sure that I never take another drop of alcohol again and for that I'm grateful, but I need to move on. I am starting to feel depressed and if I even open that door I am afraid of where it may lead me. How much more can I take?? I know Job suffered a great deal, but he was also very angry with God. I know it's ok to show our emotions, tell God how we feel, He wants us to and I do. I read somewhere imagine yourself with Jesus, how would you want Him to comfort you? I do that all the time, His loving arms would be holding me close, telling me everything will work out for the best, letting me cry and wiping the tears from my cheeks. Just like we would do to our own child. My daughter told me yesterday she was proud of me for having 98 days of sobriety ( I have 100 today ), it's kind of bittersweet, it breaks my heart. All I ever wanted was to be the best mother, unlike the one I had, now my 21 year old daughter is telling me she's proud of me for being sober. I am so ashamed. I have a 25 year old son that won't talk to me or barely, he thinks alcoholism is a choice. I wish it was I would not have chosen it. I miss my daughter so much. She is a senior in college, out of state, actually I'm out of state she's in the state she grew up in.
I want what I want and I want it now! The attitude of an alcoholic. Please God give me patience!

God loves me, He will lead me,
and He will bring good
out of my circumstances,
He is with me and actively at work
in my ruins to restore them.

It's all over but the cryin

Today I had my appeals hearing for unemployment. I was so nervous I didn't know if I was going to puke or wet my pants. I told the truth which is all I needed to do. My former employer didn't show up, but like I said before I don't win by default. I used the last of the money I had in gas to get there. I know it's in God's hands, the last 2 months He has been in total control. I haven't made a move without Him, but I have gone through hell. I needed to though, it has made me stronger and strengthened my relationship with God. He has shown me the consequences, in a big way, of the choices I made without Him. My whole thought process has changed. I realize I took everything for granted. My cell phone has been turned off for 6 weeks, that was painful, but I now know a pay phone is 50 cents. I know just how far I can go on $5.00 in gas. I know how little you can eat in a day and still live. This is a time of my life I will never forget and I think that was God's plan. I pray I'm ready to move on now but scared at the same time. Because I turn my life and will over to God everyday I must go where He leads me. And it may not be where I want to go, that's what scares me. I just pray He gives me the strength to handle whatever He has in store for me. I stay in constant contact with Him, I try to listen and I have truly seen Him work in my life the last 2 months. Someone who has seen what I've been through the last 2 months may say "what has He done for you" your life has sucked? It's all taken place in my heart, and praise God for that!
I have 97 days of sobriety today and going strong!

Serenity

It's an uphill battle

God’s power works best in are weakness.
For when I am weak,then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10

I really hadn't thought my life would take such a bad turn. I thought, well I'm sober now, let's get back to life. Well, God had a different plan. I applied for unemployment, thinking that will get me through I can pay my bills, keep my phone on, get a place to live basically just start over, wouldn't be the first time. So a couple weeks go by and I'm not getting my unemployment, so I called. And they told me since I was terminated mine has to be reviewed individually and it will take longer. I couldn't believe it, well yeah I guess I could, everything I do seems like a struggle. Nothing ever goes smooth, it's the hard way or no way. They said probably 2 more weeks, might as well been 2 more years. I was flat broke and when I say that I mean broke, not running low or have to dip into my savings I mean nothing. That's a scary feeling. My phone was turned off I didn't have any gas in my car, but I did have access to the internet. I applied for cash assistance and food stamps and I learned this, they make it so impossible you would rather starve to death than jump through their hoops. I didn't qualify for cash assistance, I don't understand that, how much less than 0 can you make? Is there a percentage of 0 that makes it even less? It doesn't make any sense to me. I would have had to go in for an interview to get the food stamps and I didn't have the gas money to get there. I tried a food shelf, there's another joke. The guy told me I needed to make an appointment for the following week so he could decide if I could get some food. I was going down fast, but I kept praying to God, I knew He was in control even if I didn't understand why all this was happening. I was getting depressed, but I kept fighting it knowing if I gave into it I might not get back out. God was working I just knew He was. Two weeks go by and nothing, I keep checking online to see if I've been paid. Finally I can't take it anymore so I borrowed a phone and called, they said it had been decided but he could not tell me over the phone, the decision had been mailed out. Well my mail was an hour away, so a couple days later I borrowed gas money to go there and get it. I already knew I was denied because they would have paid me by now but I had to know the reason so I could file the appeal. But when I got the letter and saw they had denied me due to willful misconduct I couldn't believe it. Something just came over me, I lost all hope, I was very angry with God. I couldn't even pray, I really thought I didn't believe in Him anymore. I felt nothing for Him. I filed my appeal and then tried to get legal assistance, but without a phone it's been a challenge. I run to the phone booth and have to leave a message but all I have is an email address to give them. So it was very difficult to connect. We finally did this past Thursday. I went to her office and she was very nice and helpful. When I told her what happened she said she couldn't see any reason I shouldn't win my appeal. We even went over to the hearing office and looked at my file and my former employer has never even responded. Unemployment made the decision of willful misconduct. They didn't even send a letter or try to ask me anything to maybe clarify the reason for my termination, they just took it amongst themselves to put me through a living hell. The attorney, unfortunately has to be in court tomorrow (Monday) my hearing date so I have to go it alone. She sure that my employer won't even show up. But I don't win by default, I still have to tell my side. I'm confident at this point that I'll get it because it was not willful misconduct and I can prove it.
So anyway, back to my relationship with God. I just couldn't turn my back on Him, I had to believe He was doing this for a reason. And then I heard these words " you needed this time to learn to rely on Me". And then I understood everything, if my life would have went right back to the way it was after rehab I would probably be drinking by now. This time has really shown me what it means to turn your "life and your will over to God". Oh I've done that before but I've always taken it back, I thought I knew what was best. I have never been to the depths of desperation, or been so broken as I have been in these last 2 months. But in the midst of my ruins He has taught me some very valuable lessons. I have been sitting here waiting on Him to do all this stuff in my life and He has been waiting on me to learn to trust, love, depend, follow, praise Him. It was like a light bulb went off in my head, a great big Duh!. And I know He's pleased with me. I have the greatest gift, an intimate relationship with God. What can happen to me now? He's in control, I may not like where He takes me but I know it's His plan and it's for His good. And I really don't know where I am going once this unemployment thing is settled. First I have to pick up the pieces of my life, my drivers license is expired, my car insurance was canceled, I'm overdrawn at the bank, all my personal belongings are in storage and I'm 2 months behind on the rent, I owe back taxes, looks like my rehab is not going to be paid for (pre-existing condition) by my insurance and other minor things. So we'll take it one day at a time and one step at a time.

The 12 Steps of Alcoholis Anonymous

The 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Tags: 12 steps, AA, Alcoholic, God, Spritual, prayer

Progression not Perfection

The Lord is on my side. Psalm 118:6

They say in AA "progress not perfection". That saying keeps us from setting our expectations too high. Rehab is where you go with an empty tool box and fill it up with all the tools you can stuff into it. Rehab doesn't cure you. It's up to you when you leave to take the tools you've learned there and use them, key word being "use them" when you get home. And when you get home the mess and ruins of your life are still there waiting for you. I was able to get a 4 week leave of absence from my job ( because I hadn't been there long enough for FMLA) I thought that would work out okay because I was told it was a thirty day program. Well little did I know that wasn't exactly true, the 8 days in detox didn't count, not to the rehab but it did to my employer. When my 4 weeks were up and I had to get back to work I called work and told them I would be back to work that following Monday. She, human resources told me I would need to have a Dr.'s note or a certificate of completing the program. So I asked the director and he told me he didn't feel I was ready to be discharged and that I needed to stay at least 2 more weeks. I had a raging fit, of course. I then told my employer that I would leave AMA (against medical advice) because they would not give me a certificate. She said I could not return without it. I was between a rock and a hard place, even with this knowledge the director still would not give me a certificate. I even offered to come home and go to intensive outpatient while working, my employer said no. I had no choice but to stay and I was not happy about it. I figured I would lose my job, but wasn't really sure. After I had fits and tantrums I settled in for 2 more weeks. In all honesty, that 2 weeks helped me a great deal.
Finally discharge day! I had been gone 6 weeks. No income, no money, bills past due, all of this facing me when I got home. But it was when I was being discharged that I found out I had been terminated from my job. Now I was really getting worried. I had been living with my sister, brother-in-law and her 2 adult children, a very enabling environment, but a place to lay my head and the only place I had. I had just moved to PA two years before and didn't know too many people, not really any friends. I flew in on a Friday night, that weekend my sister decides she doesn't want me living there anymore. Don't ya love family? So now I'm not only jobless I'm now homeless. I paid what bills I could pay with what little money I had and my church even helped me with a couple. I asked a friend, pretty much my only one, if I could stay with him. We had been seeing each other for awhile. Well what's he going to say? It's either his place or a shelter. He let me stay. I have been here since Sept. 9th. And here is where I learned what it really means to turn your life and your will over to God.


Tags: AA, rehab, God

Rehab, It's not for everybody!

When you first get to rehab you feel safe, like your life has just been saved. They feed you, you usually haven't eaten much while you've been drinking, (buzz kill) they give you meds and a nice warm bed to sleep in. But before the nice warm bed you sign about 25 documents, you have no idea what they say nor do you care. Then they go through all of your luggage and anything you brought with you. Time to give it up! The first couple days all you do is eat, sleep and take meds. Once you start feeling better you can attend group sessions and meetings. We had a lot of free time because expectations are pretty low for this group. You meet and talk to other people. I was in Florida and most of us came from somewhere up north so it would be pretty rare to know or have any connections with anyone, not that it would matter. I was in detox 8 days which is way longer than I should have been, but insurance companies rule. I then went to the actual rehab center. It was a motel that had been converted into apartments. Some were 1 bedroom, 2 to a room and a couple were 4 bedroom, 2 to a room. Each day we went to another building called "the office" where we had our groups and individual sessions. Anyway just to give you some idea of what the living arraignments are like. So now your sobered up, thinking with somewhat of a clear head, and the attitude kicks in. For some reason you want to fight the process. I think the reason is fear. Nobody knows an addict better than another addict, which is the reason most rehab counselors are recovering addicts. We have all been using our "drug" to deal with some kind of emotional pain and it's usually tucked way down there. And we know these people are going to try to get to it, and were going to fight because it's so painful. At this point it's do or die. I knew it was now or never, I wasn't going to get anymore chances and I didn't want to end up drinking again. It's hard though, to get this stuff out, it's buried so deep. I became honest, honest with myself and another human being. I shared my pain, I prayed, we prayed I let God heal me. Because I was at a Christian rehab I had a lot of great support, others who believed in the same "higher power" that I did. We prayed together, worshipped and shared together. When one was down there were 17 others to pick him up. But for the most part the journey is a personal one. The third step of the 12 steps of AA is Made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God as we understood Him. This to me was the key, this is what I had never done before at least not with any sincerity. It might not seem like such a hard thing to do, but it is, it's not hard to turn your life over to him but it's hard to leave it in his hands. We all want some control especially over our own life, we think we know best. Well, I'm here to say we don't know best. God has a purpose for us, it's been in the making since before we were even born.

Tags: AA, 12 steps, rehab, christian, detox, God, Florida, addicts, higher power

On July 31, 2007 I left for what I hope was my last rehab. I had been drinking for about a week, hanging on to my job by a thread. I knew it was the end it was either get help, quit drinking or die. Not great choices for an alcoholic. I was fortunate enough to have people from my church helping me. They lined me up with a Christian rehab in Florida. Off I went, a physical and emotional wreck. I had to keep drinking until I got there so I didn't start detoxing. It was only a 2 hour flight, but painful. Never did I feel so alone and scared. I knew this was it, I had to get it right this time.

Tags: alcohol, rehab, christian, florida

How it all Began

I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at the age of 22. Not having been raised with any religious training it was all very new to me. I went through the next ten years trying to learn what being a Christian was about. I had 2 children, and one thing I knew for sure was they were going to be raised knowing God. They both have accepted Christ.
I went along in life not really having any kind of personal relationship with God, my life was going well so I thought we were good. Then in my early 30's my life took a turn, I didn't see it coming. I was married to someone who drank alcohol but I never cared for it that much. My dad died of alcoholism. But something just came over me one day and I decided to have a drink at home, by my self. Well the alcoholism gene awoke from it's sleep. It started with one drink a week, then one a day and so on. Before I knew it I was planning my life around it. My life pretty much started to deteriorate, drinking was in, God was out. I had an affair, got divorced, worst and most painful of all, I felt I had no choice but to have the kids stay with their dad. It was better for them but not for me. That decision has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live with. It haunted me for years, and it some ways it probably always will. Only when I learned to forgive myself, and turn it over to God was I finally able to have some peace. But it took 15 years. To me it was unforgivable. The pain so gut wrenching only the alcohol got me through those years. So here I sit 15 years later, another marriage, another divorce, 6 rehabs and I finally understand what it means to have an intimate relationship with God.


Tags: God, christianity, alcoholism, forgiveness, divorce, AA, 12 steps

Today I pray that I may understand there are some things I cannot change. I cannot change the weather. I cannot change the tick of the clock. I cannot change the past. I cannot change another person against his or her will. I cannot change what is right and wrong. I cannot change the fact that a relationship ended. I can stop worrying over that which I cannot change and enjoy living more! I can place those things into the hands of my Higher Power. Save energy. Let go! Instead of trying to change someone else, I can change my attitude. I can change my list of priorities. I can change my bad habits into good ones. I can move from the place of brokenness into wholeness, into the beautiful person God created me to become.

Tags: change, God, higher power, prayer, Christianity, AA, sobriety